


The Fortress of a High Mind

by fourfreedoms



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Enemies to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-23
Updated: 2011-08-23
Packaged: 2017-10-23 00:01:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/244031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourfreedoms/pseuds/fourfreedoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared are seniors at an elite private boarding school, competing for the same girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fortress of a High Mind

Jared's grandfather had two words for Jared's parents: _pinko commies_. They rolled their eyes and groaned their "Oh, Dad's" with the best of them. Nevertheless, it was an uneasy relationship, with Grandpa tottering around on his cane whenever he came to visit, waggling his eyebrows and masterfully taking apart every layer of parenting the Padaleckis tried to instill in their kids. When Jared hit twelve, Grandpa had one thing to say: "If he doesn't go to Horace Green, I'll collapse his college fund."

They groaned, "Oh, Dad," at him some more, sighed, and changed the subject to the family cabin in Maine. They didn't need the financial help, but Grandpa had a stroke after that, one that left all the muscles of his face paralyzed so that he couldn't talk—could merely track Jared around when he snuck into the guest room they'd installed Grandpa in.

Jared's mom and dad felt pretty bad after—guilty, kind of, like their dismissal had ruptured Grandpa's aorta. When the application process started in November of Jared's last year in middle school, Horace Green was fully on the table.

The rest of his friends were going off to JFK—a respectable high school with a strong football team and a good science program. Jared was reluctant to be sent away to boarding school, but he (unhelpfully) passed the entrance examinations and they liked his essay about urban air pollution. When the acceptance letter came, his mom showed it to Grandpa, and the way those beady eyes caught him up in their glare, Jared knew he was stuck.

*

 _Four Years Later_...

It was a standard initiation prank the varsity girls' tennis team played on the new JV recruits—tell them to sneak into the senior boys' dorms, steal a pair of boxer shorts, and then lock them in so that they had absolutely no hope of going undiscovered.

Jared noticed the giggling when he turned off the shower. He could hear it echoing through the room like there were teeny boppers crawling around in the vents. Hazing was a confusing ("upsetting," his parents would say) maze of rules and regulations. Jared remembered his own initiation where they were taken under Thurman Arch, and the starting line-up tossed condiments on them. Stealing a pair of boxers seemed tame in comparison.

He dried off, pushed a cursory hand through his wet hair, and knotted the towel around his waist. The last thing he wanted to do was get stuck in the bathroom with only a meager towel as protection.

He was too late. When he stepped out into the hallway, the girls had already been caught, herded into the main corridor and surrounded by senior boys. They blinked as Jared stepped out of the bathroom barely clothed, attention successfully diverted from their impending mortification. Jared had to resist the urge to scratch the back of his neck.

"Well, well, well," one boy called, arms crossed, leaning against his doorway. "Who'd you get your prize from?"

The girls flushed and backed tightly together.

"Give it here," another boy, Mike, coaxed, until finally a blushing preteen handed over a pair of soft grey boxer-briefs. Jared recognized them.

"Aww, man," Jared groaned, wondering how bad his room had been ransacked. "Those are mine."

Mike laughed and tugged at the crotch. "Giving yourself a lot of credit aren't you?"

Jared raised an eyebrow and reached for his towel. "Yeah? You think?"

The girls shrieked and blushed harder, while Mike roared with laughter. "Jesus, don't give the poor things a heart attack." He tossed the boxers to Jared, who caught them with one hand.

One of the girls shoved away from the pack, nearly choking on her words. "P-please, we need those for initiation."

Jared recognized her as a freshman who had free period the same time he did in the library. He'd been beginning to suspect she had a crush on him, if her waiting for him to walk from science to the library was anything to go by.

"Well, I don't know," Jared said. Some love-struck, fourteen-year-old girl fondling his boxers sounded pretty unappealing.

"What's going on here?" a voice cracked out at the end of the hall. Everybody turned to see Jensen Ackles, AKA Student Body President extraordinaire, striding towards them, uniform still on except for the loosened shirt collar and missing tie.

"JV tennis initiation," Mike supplied, eyes darting to Jared, whose shoulders had drawn up.

See, Jared didn't like Jensen. Not his long eyelashes, not his perfect record on the diving team, or his entirely too suave attitude.

Jensen made a noise in the back of his throat. "What are you doing prancing around half-dressed, Padalecki?" He made it sound like Jared was some kind of crazed exhibitionist just lying in wait for the girls to arrive.

"I took a shower. Have I unwittingly violated one of your newly instated, draconian dorm codes?"

Jensen rolled his eyes and looked back at the JV girls. "Just get out, and tell Cassidy that if she wants pranks for initiation, the pool on the roof is always a classic."

The girls stared at Jensen's open collar and then back at Jared before shuffling past Jensen toward the unlocked fire-escape. "Hey, wait. Thalia, right?" Jared called after his little freshman acolyte.

"Yeah?" she stopped, frozen, looking like she was going to pee herself.

Jared smirked at Jensen and then tossed the boxers back to her. She almost dropped them to the floor. "You need 'em for initiation, right?"

*

Jared had expected to hate Horace Green—anything his Grandpa liked was bound to be a little suspect. But he made friends easily once they'd seen his DVD collection and his hook shot on the court. He went from his first night, lying in his bed staring at the upper bunk where he could practically see the impression of his roommate's body, the weight of a black hole in his stomach, straight to his own room as a dorm proctor. He was content here now. Well, mostly. The heavy blue fabric of his regulation jacket itched against the back of his neck. They'd had to special order his to get the arms long enough once he'd hit his growth spurt. He bit his lip and fiddled with the collar. His mother hated uniforms—thought they suppressed individuality. Jared didn't care about expressing his individuality; he didn't like it because it was too hot, and a lot of effort to wash and wear every day.

But Jared was adaptable.

"Stop fiddling," Chad hissed, shoving his elbow into Jared's side. "You're driving me nuts."

Jared blew out a breath and shifted in his seat. "This is bullshit."

His B period teacher leaned forward to catch his eye and glared. The auditorium was filled with listless seniors whispering and tugging at each other. A police officer with heavy eyebrows and jowls stood up on the stage, staring them all down. He'd been called in by the administration to educate them on the dangers of legally being an adult.

Jared could tell from the set of his mouth and the yardstick he must've had shoved up his ass that lecturing preppy rich kids whose families had defense attorneys on payroll was punishment for some indiscretion of his own. He'd launched headfirst into sex offenses like he could confront and curb their teenage hedonism.

Alicia, captain of the volleyball team, was up four rows to the left, right in Jared's field of vision, feet propped up on the seat in front of her, hem of her black pleated skirt slipping down her thighs. She twisted, skirt slipping further, to whisper in her friend's ear. Jared's eyes followed the descending line of fabric.

"Fuck it, I'm moving to Hawaii. Age of consent's fourteen," Chad cracked, teeth flashing.

Jared's gaze didn't waver. "You are so sick."

Chad snorted and knocked his shoulder again. "Yeah, uh-huh, you voyeuristic hypocrite."

"Mr. Murray, Mr. Padalecki, please refrain from chatting during the lecture," their teacher hissed at them like they were boisterous preschoolers. Chad bit his lip around a smile and settled back in his chair.

"Thanks, asshole," Jared told him under his breath. Alicia had pulled her feet down from the seat by the time he looked back. He sighed and cast his eyes around the auditorium. Jensen was sitting on the other side of the main isle, chin on his fist, a study in rapt attention. Jared furrowed his brow and looked away.

*

None of the tables in the dining hall were big enough for students to eat at with their trays. Once a group got bigger than two, they had to start pulling the plates off the trays and stacking them so that everybody had room to sit down.

Jared showed up to the table last, late from basketball practice. Chad, who already had four trays under his own, groaned and put down the chicken strip he was eating so that Jared could pick the tray up and slide his under. Jared smiled sweetly, and sank into his chair.

"Hey, Cam, can I borrow your copy of Crime and Punishment?" he asked.

Cam arched a blond brow and cocked his head. "What happened to yours?"

"He spilled his cereal on it," Chad answered, mouth full of chicken and duck sauce.

Cam wrinkled his nose. "How about you get a copy from the library?"

Jared sighed. He was having trouble keeping up in the reading already. If he had to go to the library and get the book, he would never finish it. He had little use for AP English, but he'd had good enough grades in honors to get in, and his mom was always saying how important literature was.

"You want to be well-rounded, Jared. Like somebody people will want to talk to," she'd say.

Jared figured he could discard that as just another parental aphorism. There was this kid, Ricky, who was a grade behind Jared. He practically jerked off to the great literary works, and nobody freakin' wanted to talk to _him_.

Trying to brainstorm who would lend him a copy, he listened with half an ear as Chad told some wild story, hands flying up all over the place. His overcooked peas were a temporary distraction and he struggled trying to get them onto his fork--they kept rolling off the tines and plopping back onto the plate before he could get them to his mouth. Dining hall food was the pits.

"You could try using your knife?" Cam laughed at him, forehead wrinkling. Jared looked up to grin at him, but his gaze caught on Alicia as she carried her tray to a table. She was wearing an old, wrinkled gray sweater falling off one shoulder. On any other girl it would've looked frumpy.

He watched, stomach full of lead, as Jensen sat down at the table across from her and she smiled, bright and brilliant. Jared suddenly felt like he was trapped below decks on a leaky boat, the water level rising higher until he couldn't keep his head above it. Of course Jensen was interested in Alicia. Of course Alicia was looking at him like he hung the fucking moon.

*

Jared was a friendly guy. He liked to think anyway, but he'd never gotten along with Jensen. They'd been in Freshman Honors English together, and the first open discussion they'd had about _Tale of Two Cities_ had been the end for them. Jared told the class that it was clear that Dickens had been paid by the word, and Jensen had nearly leapt across the classroom, fists raised, calling him an illiterate moron. The only thing that saved Jared from full-scale mutilation was that he had equal contempt for Thomas Hardy. It had continued into freshman science. And trig. Apparently Jensen found it totally necessary to show Jared up at every opportunity.

Most people thought Jensen was really charming. They thought he was funny where Jared just saw a dickish, conceited asshole who'd been born into a life of privilege, and absolutely could not recognize his own insignificance in the grand scheme of the world. The world revolved around Jensen, and in turn, it was forever rewarding him. Good grades, good scores in diving competitions, student body president, all the hottest chicks in school. And now he was making a play for Alicia. Jared was starting to wonder if Jensen knew about Jared's crush somehow and was just doing it to one up him. He fucking would.

That wasn't entirely rational, maybe. Jared knew that. Chad said that Jared's relationship with Jensen was a social experiment: prep school boys acting like they were characters from _Mean Girls_ to see what the social effects would be. Jared wasn't behaving like a petty bitch. He just…he was working for his own self-preservation. If he let Jensen run over him rough-shod, Chad would be telling him not to be such a pussy and fight back. It was all bullshit.

*

"Jesus christ, this novel looks all tiny, but it's endless. Endless nothing," Cam said from where he was sprawled across Jared's bed, his shirt messily untucked. 

Sean, who was sitting with his back up against the closet and his pencil stuck through _Heart of Darkness_ to mark his place, blew out a breath. They'd been listening to Cam say that a lot over the last few hours. The readings for _Crime and Punishment_ had been due a week ago. Jared hadn't finished. He didn't think he was going to finish this book either. Chad, who clearly had the right idea, had opted out of AP English unlike the rest of them, and he was off playing Halo in the common room.

Jared spun in his desk chair, over and over, rather than touching his own copy of the book. "I wish English had problem sets."

Sean thumped his head back against the door. "Listen, we all hate this book, but it's not as bad as _The Jungle_ , so would you quit fucking whining? It's just making it worse."

Cam shook his head and went back to paging through the slim Dover paperback, cheap paper tearing under his fingertips. "When I turn this in for annotations, Dunlap's going to think I snuck into the kitchen and ran it through the blender."

"I'm going to write the worst in-class essay ever. Dunlap will look at it, and wonder at my powers of incomprehension." To be fair, his half-hearted attempt at _Crime and Punishment_ , and now this latest piece of torture--the endless riverboat cruise waiting for shit to happen--wasn't really new. Jared didn't really read the books. He'd gotten about a fourth of the way into _Grapes of Wrath_ before giving up and deciding he had better things to do with his life. You know, games of ultimate frisbee, his other problem sets, practice, girls, dorm chores--pretty much anything else besides the great classics was on his list. The last thing he'd actually read all the way through was _The Scarlet Letter_ junior year, which had thoroughly convinced him not to try it again.

"Bullshit, Padalecki. You got 700 on the reading comp. section of the SAT." Sean glared. "You should try actually reading the assigned material and maybe your essays wouldn't be garbage."

"Ackles got 800 I heard," Jared said, staring at the ceiling, hating himself a little for knowing that. He didn't even know why it bothered him. Jared hated English. So what if he did worse on the reading section. That was expected. He probably whupped his ass in math.

"Hmm," Cam sat up on his elbows. "It's too bad he's such a tool, we could ask him for help."

"What's your deal, man? Jared's haterade is catching now?" Sean laughed.

"He cuts into the feminine population! I've spent four years working for a rep and all he's gotta do is snap his fingers. I wanted to ask out Diane? Well guess what? She says she's holding out for pretty boy. I outta kick his ass." 

Jared coughed, not that he didn't feel Cam's pain on a deep and fundamental level, since now apparently Jensen was after Alicia, but there was something patently ridiculous about that. He didn't have the same full lips or big lash-fringed eyes, but Cam couldn't call anybody a pretty boy without implicating himself. If he thought the tattoo curling around his bicep that he'd gotten over spring break with his parent's forged signature made him look tough or whatever, he could think again.

Sean rolled his eyes. "You've never been in a fight in your life." 

"Oh yeah? Try me and see." Cam chucked his book at Sean.

*

It wasn't just that Jensen liked to make Jared miserable (Yes, Chad, that was totally what he was doing.), it was partially that he was a fascist pig. Well, that might've been a little harsh, but he was a good conservative southern boy and wasn't afraid to spout off all about it. The school held a week-long leadership seminar in March where the school organized panel discussions on current policy issues and with his 3.8 GPA, Jared would have to come down with a heart condition to avoid it. It seemed like every damn year his workshop group included Jensen just so that the administrators could guarantee a heated debate.

And they were off to a brilliant start, because right now, Jensen was waxing lyrical about how needle exchange was only encouraging and condoning drug use, and how the last thing the US government should do was reward junkies, while Jared steamed internally. The other students at the table were staring back and forth between them.

Jared finally interrupted him when he made some condescending comment about babies being born addicted to heroin. "You're 100% completely missing the point! You're not going to just get them to stop doing drugs by saying 'don't do drugs.' We've tried that over the last thirty years, and uh, newsflash, it hasn't worked. Needle exchange only needs to be in place until an effective preventative measure is shaped. At least this way you're limiting STD transmission, which is a serious public health risk."

"They chose to take illegal narcotics! If they get sick it's their own fault." Jensen shot back, face filling up with color.

Jared smacked the table with his palm. "They're drug users! They're not in their right minds! They're going to get their needles somewhere, anywhere, and if you can't stop them than the least you can do is make it as safe as possible." He paused for breath. "I find your arguments classist and close-minded."

Jensen stood up in his seat. "Excuse me?"

"Why don't you just tell it like it is? You think poor people deserve their situation!" Jared got up out of his seat, too. The other students were looking back and forth between them like it was a tennis match.

Jensen looked like he was ready to leap over the table again. "Everything you said smacks of socialistic propaganda, no doubt instilled in you by your backward, hippie parents."

"Who gives a fuck where I got my opinions, you little shit! You're a fucking Nazi!"

"Mr. Padalecki, Mr. Ackles, you are adults. Please remind us that you know how to act like civilized humans and sit back down in your chairs," the headmaster said, steel in his voice. He gripped Jensen's trembling shoulder.

Jared made a scoffing sound and threw himself back into his seat.

The headmaster sent him an unamused glance. "Now, is there anybody else who hasn't gotten a chance to speak at this table?"

Several hands went up. Jensen crossed his arms and stared at Jared for the rest of hour. Jared knew he was merrily thinking up ways to nail him when he least expected it.

Chad caught his eye from across the room and made a face. Jared sighed, trying to think zen thoughts. Unfortunately the only thing that came to mind was sophomore year when he and Jensen got into a political discussion about the death penalty, and Jared had worked himself up so bad, he'd had to go back to his suite and cry, angrily, wishing desperately that somebody, anybody at Horace Green was as liberal as he was. So basically he was a failure at zen.

*

Jared spent a lot of time trying not to be awkward around Alicia during their shared free period. He'd been a tongue-twisted mess lately, which was stupid. Jared was good at talking to people. He couldn't tell you why Alicia spun him in knots. He just really liked her. But, apparently the universe thought he'd suffered enough, because the very next day during free period she asked him if he wanted to go to the diner in town rather than the dining hall for lunch.

He made a total ass of himself trying to say yes, but he got the words out eventually. He spent the entire walk over in a state of near shock. He'd finally got Alicia alone!

They sat in the booth, talking rather than focusing on the menus, so the waiter had to come back twice before they were all ready. "I know Jared wants a fluffernutter. What can I get you?"

Alicia ordered cheese fries and Diet Coke, and Jared made a face. "Diet, really?"

"I was raised on it," she protested. "And don't judge, you clearly come here often enough to be a regular."

Jared shrugged. "That's like my greatest dream."

"What is?"

Jared leaned forward. "To live in a small town, where everybody knows me, and be able to go in the restaurants and say, 'Hey, Eileen,' and she'll just pass my order down. I want to be a fixture."

Alicia laughed. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. I want to be the guy who tells stories and all the kids beg to hear them, like town grandpa or whatever." He wasn't sure about the look on her face, so he ducked his head. Stupid, he told himself. He'd never said that to anybody. There was obviously a reason why.

"Wow," she said and fiddled with the sugar packets on the table.

So. That went well.

*

He was trying not to dwell on the failed date when he stayed late after basketball practice ended, shooting free throws with the new free throws guy that coach had brought in. "Math it out, Jared. I know you can do that," the Coach said, drawing him back to the present.

Jared stared at the backboard for a minute, testing the weight of the ball before he let it pop up off his fingertips. It sank perfectly through the hoop and Jared breathed in. They'd been working on this forever. "Shoot until you make it, and then shoot until you miss," Coach told him.

He heard clapping coming from the bleachers. He turned and found Alicia standing in front of the doors to the girls' locker room and blinked. 

"Hey, you done for the night?" she called.

Jared, speechless, merely looked at the free throw coach who shrugged and waved Jared off. "Um, yeah, what's up?" he said, when she walked over.

"Well, I'm having real trouble in physics—the math gets involved, and ugh, I'm afraid my grade's going to drop to a C."

"Okay." Jared mopped up his forehead with a towel and then scooped up his gym bag. "You want help?"

She cocked her head. "I would _love_ help."

*

"So what are you going to do? Fill the room with candles? Scent the textbook? Work out the physics of tantric sex?" Sean teased, doodling on the econ problem set the teacher had just handed out. Jared had finished already. He had his earbuds stuck in his ears and was trying to pretend he hadn't heard anything, especially when Cam started snickering.

"Shut up. I'm just going to help her with her math or something." It could so easily get out of control. Jared had been forced to watch _Teen Witch_ with his little sister enough times to remember that disastrous attempt with the love spell and the mood lighting. If he tried to be all romantic and shit, it would be obvious, and as the movie had proved, his entire family was going to randomly show up and ask where he'd hidden all the chairs in the building. Well, that might not even be half as mortifying as some of the stupid shit he managed to say when he was around her. So maybe he should pray for parental deus ex machina.

Sean looked at him and then drawled, "You say that nowwwww."

Jared shrugged, and plucked the earphones out. "I'm serious, man. I don't want to push it. I'm not good at this stuff."

"Man, Sandy totally had you by the balls," Cam interjected, referring to Jared's ex-girlfriend.

Jensen blushed and kept his eyes on Sean's doodle of what looked like a lump. "I like it when the ladies come to me." Sandy had in fact asked him about because:

"Bullshit," Cam replied. "You're too chicken shit to go to them."

Jared, summoning up false bravado, joked, "Hey, you know, if they stop coming to me, I'll revise my behavior."

The lump on Sean's page gradually formed itself into a dragon. He was getting pretty good. "I might consider it anyway, buddy boy. This thing with Alicia is getting pretty pathetic," he said without looking up

The bell rang, mercifully cutting off their conversation. Jared laughed at the expression on Sean's face when the teacher said the unfinished problem sets were homework. Jared slung his messenger bag over his shoulder, waiting for Sean to tuck everything back into his own bag.

They passed Jensen going into their next class. He nodded 'hi' to two people behind them, and then shoved past Jared, knocking his shoulder, rather than walking around. Sean shook his head. "Eeesh. Maybe you should just walk fifty paces, turn, and shoot—you know, get it over with?"

"Are you kidding? That crazy's from Dallas." Jared snorted. "He'd kill me. He's probably walking into that class right now with a concealed weapon."

*

"I have a dilemma," Chad announced at lunch.

"Oh my god, you have herpes!" Cam set down the soda he'd pilfered from Chad with a plunk, a manufactured look of horror upon his face.

"Fuck you," Chad said mildly."I _have_ a dilemma." He repeated, eyes darting toward the serving line where the rest of their group was still picking up spaghetti and wilted salad.

"Okay, you have a dilemma." Jared nodded. Chad had either broken his PS2 again or gotten his printer jammed and decided to disassemble it rather than just pulling out the crunched up piece of paper.

"Yeah, quick, before the girls sit down." Chad leaned forward and lowered his voice, "I need to get condoms."

Cam choked on his food and Jared raised his eyebrows. "So go buy some?"

Chad looked pained. "Don't you have any leftovers?"

Jared blushed. "I'm not sure if—if they'd fit?"

Sean roared with laughter, and Jared had to hide his face. He could practically feel Chad's stare. "Oh, no way, karmic justice says you have to have a lipstick dick!"

Jared looked down at his plate, unsure why he was embarrassed. The rest of their friends were already making their way over, including all the girls in their friends group. Chad tugged at his collar. "Shit, you have village privileges today. Can you just buy me some? I'll really owe you," he whispered furiously.

"Chad, you have village privileges to," Jared pointed out. Sean and Cam were sniggering over their pasta, and Chad drew in an exasperated sigh. Jared pushed his plate away. "Dude, okay, but only if you admit that it's just because you're too damn scared to be seen buying prophylactics."

"Yes, yes, I admit it all," Chad ducked his head. "Now shut up." Amber and Sophia set their trays down at the table barely seconds later. Chad was burning with embarrassment, but the girls were discussing one of the latest articles in _Nylon_ to in depth to pay attention.

*

Jared stared at the cardboard packages—Durex or Trojan? Ribbed or smooth? It was way more thought than he ever wanted to put into Chad's dick in his entire lifetime. The bell jingled as a customer walked into the convenience store. Jared didn't look up. He was stuck, deep in contemplation about whether or not to get Chad rainbow condoms in revenge.

"First condom run, Padalecki?" a voice came from behind him. Jared's shoulders dropped. Fucking Jensen. He shook his head and glared at him. Saying they were for Chad was just about the most pathetic response he had, so he stayed silent. Jensen peered at the package that Jared was staring at and then shot a quick look at Jared's crotch. "I guess you're not proportional everywhere."

Jared made a face at the cheap shot. He was tempted to drop his pants right there, but after that police officer's lecture on exhibitionists, Jared wasn't sure he wanted to go down as a registered sex offender for two seconds worth of triumph over Jensen Ackles.

Jensen turned away before he could come up with a response, going over to the case of soft drinks, and Jared furiously snatched up a package of Durex Ribbed in rainbow. Chad definitely deserved having to explain that away to his hookup later.

*

Alicia knocked on his door just after eight, her hair up in a messy bun, uniform discarded for jeans and a t-shit. She looked so pretty that if the first thing out of her mouth had been asking Jared to just do the homework for her, he knew he would've said okay. "So I have to be honest—I'm always falling asleep in class," she said, sitting at his desk.

Jared laughed. "Okay, well, let's start with a diagram." He bent over her, drawing a picture of a TV being hurled out the window, with little arrows to show the forces at work in two-directional motion. She was wearing perfume, a little too much maybe, but later he didn't shy away when she kissed him after he checked her work. Of course not. This was everything he'd wanted for so long and it was good. It was easy. She moaned into his mouth, pushed her breasts against his chest, nearly tipping them both out of their chairs.

She left before 11 o'clock lights out, and the taste of her lingered like the sting and ache of a sunburn. He wasn't sure why he felt so odd. This was everything he wanted.

*

There was a girl crying when he got to class early, sobbing in her stiff-backed seat, face a crumpled mess. She'd gotten her first college rejection letter back, the small flat envelope sat torn up on her desk. SAT scores too low, essay not good enough, grades not straight enough, or just luck of the draw. It could be any of those things. Jared wasn't sure what to say. _I'm sure there'll be other big envelopes_ sounded weak and feeble to his own ears.

She leapt up out of the room when the teacher arrived, nearly bowling the other students over as she shoved through the doorway. Jared sighed. It was like an entire doorway to a life had shut. He understood what it felt like to have the only school you wanted taken away from you, because he'd never wanted to come here.

*

 _Thank God for Friday_ , Jared thought, sitting on the grass, leaning up against the side of his dorm. It had gone from the school chapel to boys' dorm during a sudden streak of heresy in the 1960s when Horace Green Academy went through its expansion. Jared hated it. This time of year it was always as hot as a waffle iron.

Cam sat next to him, staring up at the sky. He shook a cigarette out of a crumpled pack of Marlboros and lit up. "So how did it go?"

"What?" Jared asked, shaking away the offer of a cigarette.

"Don't play coy with me— _Alicia_ ," Cam replied.

Jared bit his lip, pausing for a moment to remember. "It was pretty good."

"Yeah?" Cam slumped backwards into a sprawl. "What was it like?"

Her perfume was too strong, but her hair was as soft and the sounds that she'd made when Jensen cupped her breasts through her sweater they were...well. Jared shrugged. "You need a girlfriend, man, so you can have experiences of your own."

"Mmm." Cam shrugged, looking back up at the stars.

Two figures walked up the path toward the dorm, thrown in sharp relief by the sickly yellow glow of the lamp.

Alicia and Jensen.

Jared stiffened, hidden with Cam in the darkness. Maybe it was nothing, but Jared's inner paranoia was screaming that it was definitely something. Alicia laughed, tugged on Jensen's arm. At the same time, Cam reached out to grab Jared's forearm to stop him from springing up and embarrassing himself. He hadn't even realized he'd tensed to leap up.

Jensen tugged back, drawing her to him, and then he was leaning in to kiss her. Jared's stomach hit the grass with a squelch. She put her hands up on his chest, holding him off, "Oh, but I'm sort of maybe seeing somebody…"

And his entire world blew up in a shower of fancy pyrotechnics when Jensen replied, "I don't care," and kissed her anyway. And she let him.

*

Jared should be angry at Alicia, but he wasn't. All of his rage was stored up for Jensen. He wasn't sure how Cam kept him from bursting out of the bushes and fighting Jensen for Alicia like he was doing a reenactment of the life cycle of Homo sapiens neanderthalensis.

"I swear to God, he just fucking wants her because I want her," Jared raged, pacing back and forth in his bedroom while Chad tossed a stress ball up and down. Sean had managed to get his hands on a bottle of Bacardi and they were cutting it with orange juice and watching Jared prowl.

It was all the times that Jensen had tripped him up in class or made fun of his parents because they were alternative and had been doing research projects in Brazil rather than coming to Parent Weekend freshman year. It was all the times he wouldn't pass the ball to Jared when they were on the same team in PE, and it was the way he just casually exuded wealth and power like he'd been ordained by God, like the rest of the world, the less fortunate, deserved what they got.

Sean snatched the stress ball out of the air. "I think Jared probably needs that," he told Chad.

Cam snickered and then stopped sharply when he saw Jared's face. "Look, man, you could do better than her anyway." He looked over at Chad, who was fidgeting nervously now that the ball had been taken away from him. " _Chad_ could do better than her."

"That's not even what it's about." Jared sighed. "It's just Ackles. I don't know what his deal is, but he likes to screw shit up for me."

"You're being paranoid, dude! Did he even know you were interested?" Sean told him.

Jared ignored him. He didn't understand it. He wasn't a threat to Jensen. He had a completely different circle of friends. Nobody listened to Jared when he mentioned what a punk-ass Jensen was, anyway.

*

Alicia came up to him on Monday, physics test Scantron in hand. "Look, Jared, 87 percent," she said, grinning at him. "Thank you."

Jared shrugged and felt even more awkward around her than usual, like his trousers and jacket were too tight and his skin itched. "I didn't do anything."

"Oh please," she knocked him on the shoulder with her fist. Jared looked down at her and didn't know what to say. She caught his expression and the silence became tense, weighted. They were both trying to figure out what to say next. He could see Jensen walking in the dining hall just over her shoulder. Jared saw the way his pretty red lips drew tight and his eyebrows lowered.

Jared turned away.

*

That night, in the middle of trying to write papers, he told himself there was so much work to be done, he didn't have time to mope over Alicia. He kept remind himself of this as he went down to the vending machine on the first floor. Right now he had more pressing needs, like a soda and a candy bar so that he could stop thinking about food when he was attempting to write about the Reagan theory and the Cold War.

Which is why Milky Way he slid his last four quarters in for got stuck. "Damn it!" He hit the side of the machine with the flat of his hand. The candy bar trembled but stayed put. He leafed through his pockets one more time, but he didn't have anymore change.

Pissed off, he smacked the side of the machine again with his shoulder.

"Christ, don't you know that people die from being crushed by vending machines?" Jensen said from behind him.

Jared slumped against the plastic siding. "You must live to torture me."

"Yes, it's all about you," Jensen snapped, lips twisting. He pushed past Jared to stick his own change in the slot, and hit D7. Two Milky Ways fell down. Jensen handed him one, eyes narrowed.

Jared reached out and took it, ready to turn away to go back to his room, but Jensen seized his wrist. "Stay away from Alicia."

Jared tugged, muscles flexing in Jensen's grip. "Let go, asshole," he cried, the anger inside him reaching a boiling point.

Jensen tightened his fist around Jared's forearm, stepping into Jared's space. "I will—"

"You make me want to—" He shoved Jensen back against the wall. His head bounced off the plaster. Jared stared at him, adrenaline bitter on his tongue. He wanted to flatten him into the wall. Jensen's eyes had narrowed into slits and he was breathing hard. It felt like the thermostat in the building had been ratcheted up a hundred degrees. He wanted to tear Jensen apart. To pound him to a pulp. Which is why Jared couldn't tell you why their mouths collided. Jensen tightened a fist in Jared's shirt, nails digging in through the fabric. Jared pressed him back into the wall, putting all the pressure of his hip right over Jensen's dick, feeling it harden up, and Jensen struggled against him and moaned—the sound torn from his mouth.

"Oh, Jesus," Jared said, arm still clasped in Jensen's grip, white beginning to show around the outline of Jensen's fingers. Jensen struggled for lungfuls of air and Jared was there again, mouth locked with his, tongue flicking just inside, teeth closing on Jensen's lower lip.

 _Understand me_ , he kept trying to say, _please understand me_. Jensen rocked into him, finally let go of his shirt to reach around Jared's body. He dragged him in even closer. "I want—touch me," he breathed.

"No," Jared bit out, and shoved him harder into the wall, his knee forced between Jensen's thighs, applying steady pressure.

"Ugh, God." Jensen slammed his own head back against the wall, eyelids fluttering over the hint of green, throat bared to Jared—almost, almost like supplication. But there was the sharp bite of Jensen's fingertips sinking into Jared's ass to remind him otherwise.

Jensen's cheeks blazed with color and Jared burned. He could barely breathe. Jensen's mouth felt so good, the desperate relent of his body along the wall was a victory. Finally, finally, agonizingly slow, Jared worked his hands into Jensen's shorts, wrapping his fist around Jensen's silky hot dick. Jensen groaned, mouth twisting from stimulation rather than that oft-used and much-hated pout.

Anybody could come and find them, his hand down Jensen's pants, rutting up against Jensen's hip, the two of them exposed and hard, lips slick with shared spit, and moaning like porn stars.

Jensen begged, his fingernails scraping down Jared's back. They were rough with each other, so rough there couldn't be any mistake—it was no act of affection. Jared jerked Jensen off quickly, nearly utilitarian, and Jensen writhed from it, buried his face into Jared's neck.

"I'm going to—" Jensen started, and pulled his head away, leaning back against the wall again, separate. His face went still as he came over Jared's hand, his shorts sticky with it, and he was miles away.

*

They had Cold War together, and Jensen's seat was behind his. When Jared walked in the door and caught sight of him, his first thought was that Jensen's uniform looked even more pristine and shellacked than usual.

They didn't look at each other or fight about post-revisionism. Mr. Cavagnolo didn't have to yell at them to shut up. Jared felt like the heat of Jensen's skin was traveling right through the floor and up into his chair. All he could do was remember the way Jensen tore his mouth away and came with closed eyes, breath shuddering past red lips.

Jared's pencil dug straight through his thin sheet of binder paper.

"Jared," Mr. Cavagnolo paused in the middle of his lecture, "are you all right?"

He felt Jensen's eyes intent on the back of his head. "I'm fine."

*

He wondered if he should feel differently. He'd had his hand on another boy's dick. But everything felt the same. Jared was still good at math, he still couldn't read Sinclair without wanting to go on a murderous rampage, he hadn't stopped feeling fluttery when Alicia entered a room. But everything was different.

It was like feeling normal again after being sick for a really long time. It scared him. He couldn't, didn't want to feel differently about his friends. But he'd had his hand on another boy's dick, and he was looking at them all like they were totally new, fresh. His black and white TV had just been swapped out for color.

"Been to the mailroom yet?" Chad walked up to his table during free period. "People are saying they're getting their letters back from University of Chicago. You applied there right?"

Jared nodded. He'd applied to twelve schools, including Caltech and MIT. He'd settle for just getting into one school, even just his safety, so that he'd stop feeling like he didn't have a future.

Jared wanted to go home. He was sick with the longing. This college thing was overwhelming all of his last reserves—he just wanted his bedroom, a place where he could put on sneakers and shorts and sling on a backpack and that was who he was. He wished he'd never known how to iron his own shirts or how to get blood and fruit juice and chocolate stains out of his buttondowns.

"What is it?" Cam asked him after dinner, fingertips stained yellow from cigarettes. He'd been out behind the dorm since he'd gotten his thin envelope from U. Chicago.

"Just thinking," Jared said. He felt so alone, like even the people he surrounded himself with couldn't touch him.

"Brooding, more like," Cam told him, smile thin.

Jared shrugged. "Why get a class ring?"

"Because somebody thought snobbery was the equivalent to intelligence." Cam laughed. "Jesus, Jared, what does that have to do with anything?"

"I just—I thought—I'm worried about college, is all."

Cam made a face. "You know at the high school all my friends from home go to, they blew up the fountain for a senior prank in 1989."

"Yeah?"

"Kinda makes me wish I'd gone there instead," Cam said, face split with a grin. "I'd look so fucking amazing next to those guys."

"That's the only reason?" Jared could feel Jensen's lips parting underneath his.

Cam sighed. "No, of course not."

*

He ran on the treadmill at seven miles per hour for almost forty-five minutes, trying to stop thinking about his papers, and the rejection letters, and why he wanted to fall into bed with Jensen, pull him close and lose himself in the give and press of his body. Jensen, who hated him, and was standing halfway across the gym.

The belt on the treadmill was loose, flapping a little on the right side, and Jared kept freaking out that he was going to step on it and go flying right off the treadmill, and once that line of reasoning started, he inevitably went from thoughts of slamming into the elliptical at seven miles an hour to worrying about living in a tin can one day.

When some kid changed the gym TV to the Food Network, he couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't work out and look at food at the same time. The gym was already really close to the student kitchen, and that always smelled like pork rinds. The last thing he wanted was to think about foie gras and pork rinds while he tried to run his way to oblivion.

His t-shirt was stuck to his skin with sweat, and his hair was damp. When he picked his iPod up out of the little cup holder he always stashed it in, it nearly slid out of his fingers.

Jensen lay by the weights, driving Jared nuts like a sore tooth. He faced the only wall that didn't have mirrors, like he desperately didn't want to look at himself, and Jared got that, he really did. When Chad worked out, he flexed and pumped in front of the mirror like only his image kept him going, but Jared had to turn away, or he'd get discouraged by what he saw.

Jensen struggled with the bar, spotter too busy chatting up a girl to help, and Jensen too proud to ask for it. Ninety pounds of weight hung inches over his neck, and Jared got there, tugging up and setting the bar smoothly back on its stand without a clang.

Jensen stared up at him, lips parted, sweat beading on his forehead, and they stayed there, Jared standing over him, caught in this strangely intimate pose. Jared cleared his throat, muttered something non-committal and left.

He still hadn't gone to the mailroom yet.

*

One of the day students held a party off-campus, and all the seniors managed to escape to go. Jared always expected these parties to be totally insane, like in _American Pie_ or _Can't Hardly Wait_ , but it was just a lot of bodies packed in tight, tripping over each other in the struggle to get at the punch.

Jared asked for a Jack and Coke, but his words were drowned out by the bass beat of "Low" and the drink he received was sweet with tonic water and heavy with gin. Students were twisting their bodies close to the floor, leaving him the only one upright, leaning against the wall. He'd dodged two invitations to dance, preferring to remain within the circle of his friends, bopping up and down when a song came on that he liked.

The song changed, and the students cheered. They shifted and parted, and Jared made Jensen out across the living room, dancing smoothly in a group of people.

Jensen looked up, hair falling into his face from sweat, and caught Jared's eye.

 _You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel_ , and the baseline rocked through Jared's breastbone. Jensen mouthed the words along with the song, eyes intent on him. Jared put a hand over his mouth and laughed.

Cam knocked into his side. "Got your eye on somebody?" Jared jerked, slopping his drink over the edge of his cup. Cam laughed like it was a joke from _Life of Brian_.

"Bugenhagen!" Jared shouted back.

"What the fuck?"

Sean closed in on his other side. "Don't listen to him. We've been having a horror movie fest, and we watched the remake of The Omen, and one of the characters was called Bugenhagen." Jared cracked up despite himself. Sean rolled his eyes. "Don't encourage him. He's been saying it, like, every five minutes."

"Jensen's staring at you," Cam said, poking Jared in the ribs as he laughed. Jared looked up again, but he didn't see Jensen anywhere. Cam poked him again. "Over there, fool. Do you think he's plotting your demise?"

Jared followed the line of Cam's finger, and sure enough, Jensen was standing by the doorway, looking straight at him, his head tilted in invitation. Jared made an excuse about going to kick his ass in, and then he pushed through the bodies, nearly getting spiked by a girl's heels. Jensen waited for him with his eyebrows down over his eyes like Jared held no interest to him.

Jared snorted. "What are you doing?"

Jensen grabbed Jared's shirt collar and tugged him up the stairs.

Jensen was getting his own back, shoving him into a second-floor bathroom. "It's the only room with locks on the door," he whispered, before forcing Jared back against the marble counter. He scraped his teeth down the sharp angle of Jared's jaw, followed along it with his tongue, dipping down to cross his pulse.

Jared tipped his head back, and pushed cosmetics, soap, and a toothbrush stand out of the way so he could lay his hands flat. Jensen stepped between his legs, hands tight and punishing on Jared's hips.

"You don't get to walk away from me," Jensen told him, mouth skimming past Jared's ear. He tugged on Jared's jeans, trying to get the fly open. Jared choked when Jensen finally got his hand on his dick, palm sliding up and down, knuckle of Jensen's thumb pushing just under the head, almost forcing tears out of Jared's eyes.

His hips rose up off the marble. Jensen huffed out a chuckle. His hand snaked to the small of Jared's back, pulling him closer. Jared breathed hard, head rolling back on his neck. The cold tile behind him, and Jensen, who was burning with heat and energy, in the front: it was surreal, euphoric. Jensen held him at the edge, almost getting him there and then backing off while Jared sobbed and gasped.

He tightened his stance around Jensen's hips, needing purchase, something to tie him back to earth. Jensen whispered in his ear, breath brushing across the sensitized skin at Jared's neck. He groaned, struggling against Jensen for orgasm.

"Hey, I need to piss!" Someone hammered on the door, and Jared went off, finally, muscles locked, his entire heart being yanked towards his toes. He had to take a second just to breathe. "Let me in! I need to piss!" the asshole was calling again, and Jensen started laughing, mouth against Jared's skin. Slowly, Jared started laughing, too.

*

They had a Quadheader against Paley Academy that Monday.

The varsity boys' basketball team won against their rival in overtime, but only barely. Jared had fouled out with only two minutes left on the clock, and he felt sick with worry and adrenaline despite the win. Jensen was wearing an HG Seniors t-shirt and blue and red war paint across his cheeks when Jared finally saw him.

They eyed each other across the gym. Chad hammered on his back. They pushed and pulled at him, so much attention, and Jared could only see Jensen leaping down bleachers with his friends and shouting about going for burgers.

*

He finally went to check his mail after he got an e-mail from the post office claiming his box was too full to put anything else in there. There were three unwatched Netflix, his credit card statement, a pink-enveloped card from his sister, and nearly a dozen letters from colleges.

He lugged them all back to the dorm unopened. Jensen sat in the common room, drinking a Coke and watching Modern Marvels on the History Channel. He looked at the heavy envelopes in Jared's left hand.

"What are you waiting for?"

Jared cocked his head. "I don't know if I'm ready for college." He set them all down on the coffee table in front of him.

"Why?" Jensen asked, muting the special on acid.

Jared breathed out. "Because I wasn't ready for here."

Jensen struggled to say something and then leaned forward to grab the envelopes. He leafed through them. "Jesus, Jared, MIT? Caltech?"

Jared snatched them away from him. "It's nothing—

Jensen grabbed his hand. "You're not going to make the wrong decision."

"Huh?"

"I mean, whatever you do, it'll be the right decision."

Jared shrugged, and left. He spent the rest of the day with Jensen's words running through his head.

*

"You and Jensen haven't tried to kill each other in awhile," Cam pointed out, shading his eyes from the sun. "He apologize for Alicia?"

They sat out on the hill overlooking a golf course that neighbored the school. Every once in a while, Cam would pick up a rock and toss it at one of the golfers below, ducking down when it made contact.

Jared laughed. "Not exactly."

"Well, what happened?" Cam rooted around for more pebbles.

Jared shrugged. "Nothing."

Chad, who was sunning himself like a tool, pulled off the newspaper he was using to shield his face. "You are so full of shit."

Jared sighed, and grabbed a pebble away from Cam to toss it at Chad. "We didn't fight it out or anything, we just came to an agreement about Alicia."

"An 'agreement?'" Chad made air quotes. "What, do you get to bone her on Monday and Wednesday, and he gets Tuesday and Thursday?" Cam and Chad both laughed.

"No, asshole, we're both leaving her alone." Jared crossed his arms.

Chad asked, "You found someone else?"

Jared hesitated too long before answering and then Chad and Cam were both throwing rocks at him, trying to get him to dish.

*

The problem was that Jensen and Jared weren't friends. They didn't have each other's phone numbers. Jared didn't really know Jensen's friends. He never knew where the fuck Jensen was, but he also didn't feel like he could search him out, because what if Jensen really did still want Alicia and was only fucking around with Jared because he could?

Jared couldn't even figure out how to tell his parents he didn't know what school to go to, let alone how to track Jensen down and solicit him for sex.

On Saturday night, when Sofia and Amber invited him to join them while they made truffles in the student kitchen, Jared decided he had to go, even if the kitchen smelled like pork rinds. Otherwise, he was going to sit in his room and jerk off thinking about Jensen, which was starting to get pathetic.

The girls had already started when he arrived. He sat himself down on the counter with a glass bowl of melted chocolate balancing in his lap that he was supposed to be tempering. He messed around more with the chocolate thermometer than anything else.

"Jared, when it's too hot, you're supposed to add more of the solid chocolate, not just stir it," Sophia called and dumped a handful of chocolate chips into the bowl.

He liked Amber a lot, but he wasn't always sure what to make of Sofia. She'd gone out with Chad in middle school and so she'd always been a fixture of the group, but sometimes she could be a little cruel. Especially to Chad. And she always had like eight different boyfriends, a regular Don Juan with boobs. She talked about this one boy she'd gone out with the last couple weeks, Patrick or something, in the junior class. It sounded so much like how Jared felt about Jensen that he wanted to sit down and take notes.

"Jared, you're a guy. Give us some insight!" Amber called as she set a wax paper sheet of cointreau-filled chocolates to cool on the table.

Jared shrugged. "I have no insight. None!"

"Unsurprising," Jensen said from the doorway. They all turned to look at him. Jared shook his head and didn't bother with a reply.

"Hey, Jensen." Sophia was the human rights chair, oh the irony of that, and spent every F period closeted in a room with him. "Wanna try a truffle?"

"That's okay, I don't actually like chocolate." He leaned against the doorway and shot a pointed glance at Jared. "We need to talk."

"Hey, we need him!" Amber protested.

"No, we don't." Sofia grabbed the bowl off of Jared's lap. She caught Jared's gaze. "Don't kill him, okay? He has a really cool plan for prom so that we don't have to be in the gym this year."

Jared shook his head and followed Jensen out the door.

"You do like chocolate," he said to Jensen's back.

Jensen looked over his shoulder and smiled. "And you didn't say anything."

Jared rolled his eyes.

They walked into town, barely speaking. This was a problem. They were never going to get anywhere this way. He agonized over it.

And then they were kissing, backed up against the pole of the traffic light, while the evening traffic honked at them. "You suck, so incredibly much," Jared said when they pushed apart. Jensen breathed deep.

"No, I don't. I've never tried it before." Jensen looked at him, eyes flicking down to Jared's crotch, and he swallowed. Jared was getting hard just under the power of that green gaze.

"Do you wanna grab something at the diner?" he asked, just to change the subject.

"What? Like a date?" Jensen raised his brows and backed up.

"No, not like a date." Jared laughed. "I don't like you enough to take you out on a date."

Jensen drew a hand down Jared's side. "If you buy me dinner, I might attempt to blow you, later."

"What is this 'attempt?' If I'm shelling out cash, I expect results."

*

"You don't have to," Jared said, when they got back to his room. Jensen leaned against the door, expression unreadable. He cocked his head, and Jared realized that for the first moment in all of this, he had the time to be nervous.

He wasn't being assaulted. They'd entered into a contract.

Jensen came away from the door, closing the space between them. "When I jerked off, I used to imagine you spreading Alicia out over your lap, her head lolling on your shoulder as your fucked her, tits heaving—like you were presenting her to me." Jared swallowed. Jensen hooked his fingers into his belt, sliding it free from his pants. "Before you even touched me, I thought about those things."

Jared raised a hand and thumbed Jensen's lower lip. "Oh, yeah?"

"Mmhm," Jensen kissed him. Tugged his jeans down his hips at the same time he sucked on his tongue. Jared didn't drink coffee, wasn't accustomed to the taste, but he was rapidly getting addicted to the way Jensen tasted like French roast with too much sugar.

Jensen pushed him back on the bed and kneeled over him. "I didn't know what to make of it. I just saw your big hands smoothing up and down her thighs, parting them for me, pulling her hair up off her face." Jared crawled backwards so that he could lean against the headboard and Jensen allowed his momentum to pull his pants off the rest of the way. "I always came when I thought of your big dick moving in and out of her."

Jared moaned and arched his hips into empty air. He got hard from the sound of Jensen's voice. "Okay, I think _now_ you have to," he said with a shaky laugh.

Jensen smiled wickedly and slowly rolled the elastic of Jared's boxers down. He breathed on Jared's erection. "You think mozzarella sticks and a turkey melt gets you a blow job?"

 

"I hadn't previously thought so," Jared said, closing his eyes when Jensen's mouth closed over the head of his dick, "but apparently you're turning out to be just that easy."

Jensen snorted and choked before pulling off. "Oh, dick softener, man." But he kissed Jared quickly, palming Jared's dick, before bending down again. This time, Jared kept his eyes open as Jensen messily sucked him in as far as he could take him. He twisted his hands around what he couldn't get into his mouth, callused palm against Jared's shaft nearly as good as the swirl of Jensen's tongue over the crown.

He kept his hips still, thigh muscles trembling with the effort. Jensen's mouth slid down slowly on him, until Jared hit the back of his throat and he had to pull up. He did it again and again, cheeks hollowed tight around Jared's dick.

Jared wasn't sure how Jensen would feel if he touched him, but he couldn't stop his fingers from brushing over the burnished brown hair spilling over Jensen's forehead. "I think about you sometimes, in your Speedo, pulling yourself out of the pool after a dive."

Jensen's eyes caught his and Jared's breath stopped up in his throat. He moaned around Jared's dick and Jared had to reach up and grab the headboard for leverage. He was close, so close already. Jensen's tongue ran over the slit again and again, and his fingers were pressing tight on Jared's balls and the place where his dick met his body.

"I thought—oh, fuck—about peeling it—it off of y—ou, and fucking you in the water—pulling you so tight to me that—my dick was in your throat, and my heart was in your chest."

Jensen pulled off at the first rush of come and pushed his face into Jared's thigh. "Oh, god." He twitched and jerked, and Jared realized belatedly while he was still trying to assess the availability of his mental faculties that Jensen had come, just like that, in his jeans.

Jensen wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand and grabbed a gulp of water out of the Nalgene sitting on Jared's night stand. "That is so gay," Jared laughed, eying Jensen's crotch.

"Shut up," Jensen hit him on the arm, hard, cheeks pink with embarrassment. The line of his back was tense. Jared rolled around so that they were spooned together and wrapped his arm around Jensen's hips.

"Not as gay as this." He nuzzled the back of Jensen's neck and reached over and switched the light off.

Slowly, Jensen relaxed against him.

*

When Jared left the gym for practice, Jensen was waiting outside, humming along to his iPod and kicking rocks. Jared managed to come up behind him and thwap him with his sweaty gym towel before Jensen noticed anything.

"Holy!" Jensen shouted and whirled around. He pressed a palm to his heart. "You scared the shit out of me."

Jared laughed and draped the towel around his neck. "What brings you here? Need help on your math homework?"

"I do just fine, thank you." Jensen glared at him, but his expression melted quickly to a grin and he leaned into Jared's body, his mouth hovering bare inches away. "No, I was thinking—"

"Jensen! What the fuck?" Jensen's friend Danny called from the bend in the path. "We've been looking everywhere for you! I thought we were having the Terminator marathon in your room tonight!"

Jensen shoved himself away so quickly he almost stumbled. "Fuck, I forgot." Jared inhaled quickly. That was close, that was really close—if he'd come out of the gym five seconds earlier—well, he wouldn't have to worry about Alicia always asking him to hang out anymore.

Danny made a noise in the back of his throat and looked back and forth between them. "You've been forgetting kind of a lot lately, but whatever. Are we still on?"

"Yeah, we're on." Jensen walked away from Jared without a glance back.

Danny looked slightly sheepish. "Padalecki, man, you're welcome to join?"

Jensen still didn't look back. "No, he isn't."

Jared scuffed the toe of his shoe against the ground and huffed out a bitter sigh. He left when the sounds of their conversation faded.

*

It took Jared awhile to get up the nerve to go by Jensen's room after the incident at the gym. Jensen answered the door with a pair of glasses sitting low on his nose and his hair a disheveled mess. It was three days to Parents' Weekend, and Jensen had been in session with the student executive council for the better part of a week. They hadn't talked in days.

"Hi," Jared said, standing awkwardly in the doorway as Jensen just stared at him. There was a Duke banner tacked to the wall, and Jared remembered distantly hearing that everybody in Jensen's family had been going there since the dawn of time.

Jensen lowered his eyebrows. "I'm halfway through a paper."

Jared shrugged. "Okay, I can leave you alone then."

Jensen nodded and turned to head back into the room.

Something was a little bit off. Jensen was acting exactly like he had during their blood feud. "Oh, hey wait—for Parents' Weekend, I was thinking we—" He knew as soon as it left his mouth that he should've left it alone.

Jensen froze, muscles locking tight. "What did you say?"

Jared raised his brows and said slowly, "Nothing yet, I was just going to—"

Jensen yanked his shoulder, tugging him into the room and slammed the door behind him. Jared stared at the shut door behind him and planned to ask Jensen what his problem was, when Jensen tightened his hand on his shoulder. "Listen Jared, whatever you're thinking—don't!"

Jared shrugged Jensen's claw-like grip off. "Jesus, I was just—"

"I cannot be gay," Jensen interrupted again. "Do you get that?"

Jared narrowed his eyes and raised his palms. "I didn't—"

"What'd you think was going to happen here?" Jensen looked him up and down. "Did you think I was going to take you to the prom? Parade you around in front of everyone?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Jared shoved him. "You think I'm mooning after you? Waiting for you to show up with a dozen roses? Christ, man, your ego knows no bounds."

"My ego?" Jensen started shouting, "My ego! You have no fucking clue, Jared. None. You act like your life is so difficult because everybody in the goddamn world is begging you to come to their school. Jesus, some of us have real problems!"

Jared laughed bitterly. "Really, Jensen? Rich, attractive white male—how much you must have suffered."

Jensen backhanded him.

"Well," Jared said, fingertips pressed to his cheek. "All's well that ends well."

He left silently.

*

When he got back to his room, he found Cam leaning up against the door. "Hey, I thought we were going to go over our skit—wow," he said, interrupting himself.

Jared could feel the heat coming off his cheek, and from the way his eye was exploding in pain, he figured a nice sunrise was bruising up. Jared sighed. "Can't be that bad."

"Man, you have a black eye three days before the 'P's show up." He grabbed Jared's elbow, tugging him down the corridor towards the ice machine. "What happened?"

"Don't really want to talk about it."

Cam shot him a look. "That's getting really tiring." He sighed and pulled off his sweatshirt, using it as a bag for the ice before handing it off to Jared.

"Thanks, man." Jared held it up to his face, hissing at the first contact. "Don't worry about it, okay? Ackles and I just had a little misunderstanding."

"When will you get over yourself?" Cam shook his head. "What was it about?"

"Nothing." Jared started walking back to his room. "It was about nothing."

All Jared wanted was for Jensen to meet his parents.

*

There was a picnic on the East Lawn for Parents' Weekend. Tables were lined up with cheap fruit plates and assorted cold cuts while the staff working the barbecue did their best to keep up with the unanticipated demand for Gardenburgers.

It seemed like Jensen was surrounded by identical ridiculously good looking people with vibrant eyes. Jared did his best to be as far away from them as possible.

His mother fussed over his shiner. "You have to be careful, sweetie."

Jared reigned in a sharp retort. "It's nothing, okay? I just took a basketball to the face."

She patted his shoulder and pushed a bowl of fruit salad at him. "Eat some. I doubt you get enough fruits and vegetables without me staring over your shoulder."

"I do all right, Mom."

His father laughed. "Do you know what the schedule is for the rest of the weekend?"

"Shit, I left it in my room." Jared put down his fork.

"Language," his mother said perfunctorily. "Well, run and get it."

Jared nodded and pushed out of his seat. "I'll be right back, okay."

His dad waved him off.

Jared set off jogging for his dorm. He wasn't desperate to get back to the party, but it wasn't safe to leave his parents alone with people, as they had no sense of shame when it came to embarrassing stories of his youth. Chad knew it, and always did his best to take advantage of it whenever Jared's back was turned.

He had to turn his entire room upside-down before he found the paper under a stack of physics textbooks. He checked his watch. Only gone for five minutes. They could hardly have gotten to the chest-key story.

He backed out of his room and slammed right into Jensen.

"Watch where you're going," Jensen growled and checked him with his shoulder. There was something dangerous and wild about his expression.

" _You_ watch it, asshole." Jared pushed him away. Jensen shoved him again and then they were scuffling, sliding down the wall, fists connecting with any soft bits. They rolled across the floor, limbs knocking into the opposite wall.

"I hate you," Jensen hissed and then his lips crashed down on Jared's mouth. Jared moaned and forced his thigh between Jensen's legs. He reached up to touch him, but Jensen grabbed both his wrists and forced them back to the floor. His kisses turned sharp, teeth worrying Jared's lip. Jared wondered if he was imagining the taste of blood. He choked on a moan.

Jensen ground down against him, sliding over the muscle of Jared's thigh and biting at his neck. Jared felt too warm, feverish. He should say something. Any moment now he was going to get up the courage to say something, because Jensen did not have the right to do this. But it was what they did best, and Jared knew it too well to stop it.

Jensen released one of Jared's wrists to reach between their bodies. He worked their pants open, pulling them free of boxers while Jared lay prone on the floor, allowing himself to be manipulated.

Jensen gripped their dicks together, thrusting viciously as his fingernails bit into Jared's arm and he buried his face in Jared's throat like he couldn't stand to watch. Jensen came like that, legs tangled up with Jared's, chest heaving with something close to sobs.

Jared wondered if he was going to leave him hanging, but Jensen adjusted his grip, tightened it to the sweetest edge of pain. Jared's eyes drifted shut. He filled his senses with the sound of Jensen's heavy breaths, the sharpness of his aftershave, and that bitter hot tug in his belly.

Jensen bent his head to lick the bruised skin underneath Jared's eye, point of his tongue skating over the ridge of bone. Jared lifted his hips one last time and came, straining against Jensen's death-grip on his arm.

Jensen rolled off him and lay staring at the wall. Reality intruded. Jared felt like throwing up. He slowly sat up and took stock of himself. He'd definitely have to change before going back out there, and the schedule lay crumpled, an Oxford footprint pressed right in the center. Jared fished it up off the floor.

Jensen started pulling himself together, and suddenly the bile in Jared's throat and stomach was too much. "You never asked me what was wrong, you know? You didn't even want to know why I was unhappy."

He shut himself up in his room before Jensen could respond. He changed his clothes quickly and then waited, listening at the door to make sure Jensen had left before he dared to venture out. When he got back to the table, his mother had started telling the story about the key to Amber's parents.

"And then he had to go on a little trainer toilet for a whole month so that we could check his poop."

Jared sighed and handed his mom the schedule. She took the rumpled paper from him.

"Oh, Jared, you never take care of your things."

*

Jared went back to the dorms to change for dinner. His parents wanted to take his friends out, and they were going to some fancy French bistro Amber's parents had told them about.

When he finally got his dinner jacket ironed flat and his hair presentable, he was running a little late. They were all going to meet outside in two minutes. Jared was rushing down the corridor that took him past Jensen's room when he heard Jensen's voice.

He stopped and looked back in the opposite direction. Going out Entryway F would take him twice as long to get to the front, but it was probably worth it. He'd gone five steps in the opposite direction when the conversation he couldn't help overhearing stopped him.

"You enquired after their football team, son?"

Jared leaned back against the wall. That had to be Jensen's dad.

"I'm going to be on the swimming and diving team, Dad."

There was a soft snort. "Don't know how we let you get involved with that, all that jumping around, but you're really going to want to reconsider your options, or we'll have to talk."

"Dad, I—"

"No contradictions, Jensen."

His mother finally spoke up. "Why don't you show us your room, honey."

Jared couldn't believe it. He'd never heard Jensen sound so subdued, not after four years of getting tossed in the principal's office right beside him. If Jared's parents had overheard, they would've gone barreling in and told the Ackles family that they were choking Jensen's youthful vitality. Some shit like that.

He looked up at the hallway clock. Five minutes late. Christ.

*

Bistro Élan was all right. They had real homemade iced tea. Unfortunately, the bread was stale and his mother commented on it. "We're so spoiled in California, we forgot what everybody else in the States has to deal with."

Cam, Sean, and Chad were just glad for free food. Jared kept his eyes on his plate, thinking about what he'd heard earlier. Chad ate all the bread his parents didn't touch.

Everything was fine until his dad pointed out that the matriculation deadline was approaching fast.

"I want to take a gap year before I go off to college." Jared set down his knife and fork on his plate, waiting for his parents' reaction. Suddenly, he wasn't hungry for his steak.

His mother looked at his father. "Well, Jared, that's fine, but do you have a plan?"

His father nodded. "If you're going to take a gap year, you have to have a plan."

Jared shook his head. "That's the entire point—a year of no plans."

Chad and Cam stopped eating to stare at him. Sean fidgeted with his napkin.

"Jared," his mother started. His father inspected his watch.

Jared was surprised at the sudden rush of irritation burning straight through him. His mouth was almost beyond his control. "No! I came to Horace Green because you felt guilty, Mom, not because it was best for me, and now I want to do what's best for me!" He pushed his plate away from him and stood. His parents, like guilty convicts presented with their crimes, didn't have anything to say.

"Wait," Chad said, half rising out of his seat. Jared shot him a quelling look and he sank back down. Sean tugged Chad's arm and whispered into his ear. Jared's parents were looking at anything other than him. He turned on his heel and headed for the door. He didn't care how rude it was to leave his friends with his parents. He'd do something worse if he stayed.

*

Jensen found him behind the bushes where Cam always went to smoke. It was littered with cigarette butts. Jared didn't care. He sat with his knees pulled to his chest and waited for the horrible desperation to fade. It didn't seem to be going anywhere. Jared started in surprise when Jensen crashed through the undergrowth. "Chad told me to stay away from you tonight—said you didn't need to deal with me too. I thought I was going to come kick your ass for earlier, but I guess not."

Jared shrugged and leaned his head back against the brick wall.

"You ever think the reason you feel so out of place here is because you're gay?" Jensen offered, hands in his pockets.

Jared stared at the sky when he answered, "Why do you get to be straight and I don't?"

Jensen sighed. He sat down Indian style across from Jared.

"Look," Jared started. "I don't want anything out of life. I'm happy just to live it. And just—nobody else is like that." He paused for a second. "I'm not expecting anything from you either, okay?"

Jensen rested his palm on his knee, fingertips just touching Jared's shin like he wasn't sure if he could attempt more contact. "Jared, you're so smart, but if you take a gap year, what if you don't go back to school? You just—I couldn't stand it."

"You couldn't stand it?" he slid his hand down his leg until it ran into Jensen's.

"No, I couldn't, idiot." Jensen huffed. "God knows you don't deserve it."

"You're right, what could I have possibly done to deserve you?" Jared curled his fingers around Jensen's. "I deferred admission to MIT to 2010."

"Motherfucker, you just had to one-up me!" Jensen tried to tug his hand away.

"Shut up, Jensen." Jared closed the gap between them, just brushing his lips. Jensen's fingers tightened around his palm.

 

"Hey, Jared, are you back there?" Sean called.

"Shit," Jared whispered and pulled back. He brought a hand up to his mouth.

Jensen took a deep breath, like he had finally decided something. "It's all right."

"Jared! I know you're—oh, hey, Jensen." Sean pushed through the bushes and towered over him.

"What? What is it?" Chad called. "Jared! Why are you hiding in the bushes like a pussy?"

A second later Cam and Chad forced their way through to join them, leaves and underbrush getting everywhere. Chad spotted Jensen and stepped forward menacingly. "Jensen! I thought I told you—"

Jared pushed himself to his feet and offered a hand to hoist Jensen up. "Relax, man, we're cool."

"Yeah?" Chad asked, arms crossed tight over his chest. "What were you doing in the bushes?"

Cam started laughing and quickly disguised it with a cough. Jensen rolled his eyes. "Do you have a cigarette?" he asked Cam. Cam patted his pockets before coming up with a crumpled pack with only two cigarettes left. He handed one to Jensen.

"I'm not blowing you if you smoke that," Jared told him.

Jensen smiled and accepted the light that Cam offered. "I'll steal a pineapple from the dining hall."

Chad turned bright red. "That's what you were doing in the bushes?" he shouted at them.

"Shit, keep it down." Sean poked him in the shoulder.

Jared smiled at the look on Chad's face. "Do you guys want to go to the diner? I didn't finish my dinner."

Sean shrugged and Cam shook his head. "Yeah, thanks for that, asshole. Most awkward thirty minutes of our lives!" He started pushing back through the bushes, and Chad and Sean followed.

"Do you have to go see your parents?" Jared asked Jensen quietly.

"Fuck 'em." Jensen inhaled deeply off the cigarette. "I'll deal with that tomorrow." He said it nonchalantly, but even in the rapidly descending darkness, Jared could see how he trembled. Jared nodded and crashed out of the bushes to where his friends were waiting. Baby steps.

Sean bumped his shoulder affectionately when they got out onto the path. Jared blinked, and he realized that the horrible weight he'd been sinking under for months, years even, had finally left him.

"Wait, so everybody knew?" Chad cried. "How can I be the last to know? Jared, how could Sean know before me?"

Cam slung an arm around Chad's neck and lit up his last cigarette. "We still love you, even if you're slow."

Jensen, who walked a few steps ahead of them, looked back over his shoulder and snorted. Chad caught his look and crunched his face into a scowl. "Don't even say it. Just because you're fucking my boy doesn't mean I have to be nice to you."

Jensen laughed and cheekily dropped back to pinch Jared's butt right in front of him. Chad shouted and started muttering. Cam shot Jensen a look. "I think you broke him."

Jared jabbed Jensen in the side. "Thanks, jerk, that's my best friend. Now what am I going to do?"

Jensen threw the cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. "Will you settle for some mozzarella sticks and a turkey melt?" He offered his elbow to Jared and Jared threaded his arm through it.

"Hoo, rolling out the big guns."

"Sean! Sean, they're speaking in gay code!" Chad stared after them aghast.

Cam kept his arm looped around Chad's shoulders. "Jensen'll buy you a milkshake and everything will be all better."


End file.
